A Wise Man Once Said
by pleasebiteme
Summary: Bella," Edward said disapprovingly. He knew my low tolerance for caffeine. New Moon: Page 494 . Bella drinks espresso. She then proceeds to act like a cat on crack. I'm not entirely sure what that means, but I imagine it's highly ridiculous. one-shot.


**I got this idea while I was looking through New Moon, getting references for a new story I'm working on. **

**Enjoy! (:**

"Bella," Edward said disapprovingly. He knew my low tolerance for caffeine. (New Moon: Page 494).

"Edward, I'm not an eight year-old prone to sugar highs and bouncing off walls," I informed him.

"That may be true, but an espresso that strong could lead you to damage the walls of this fine establishment," he retorted.

"I haven't slept in _two days_, Edward. I'm tired. I need that coffee! Now get out of my way!" I said, sounding quite senile.

I walked around him to stand in line for my disgusting Starbucks drink. I never did like coffee, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

I heard Edward chuckle behind me. "So, just sleep, love."

"No! If I go to sleep in the middle of the afternoon, then I'll get my sleeping pattern all whacked out and I'll never be able to sleep tonight." I loved my reasoning.

He sighed, standing in line with me. "Fine. But tonight, you sleep."

I rolled my eyes at him. "Thank you, Captain Obvious."

He ordered my drink and paid for it, while I stood helplessly beside him. Edward Cullen rarely took "no" for an answer, especially when it came to paying for my nourishment. Not to mention fancy new cars, airplane tickets, et cetera.

I started drinking the nasty thing, chugging it as best as I could without burning my tongue.

Once finished, I commenced the whining. "How long until this stuff kicks in?" I asked Edward.

"It varies," he answered.

I groaned. "Great. So, while I wait to regain the ability to move my eyelids, let's sit in these lovely fluffy chairs."

He sat in one of the comfy-looking seats and I sat on his lap.

"Not exactly 'fluffy', is it?" he asked, jokingly.

"Well, no, not exactly. More puffy." I grinned at my wit. I had just rhymed _and_ called my vampire boyfriend puffy. Score!

I only realized that I was laughing hysterically when I caught Edward giving me an odd look. This only made me laugh harder, and pretty soon I was doubled over in fits of laughter in his arms.

Edward heaved a sigh. I knew this because I was leaning against his puffy chest. Isn't that nifty? I like logical things. They're nifty.

I felt myself being lifted into the air. "Captain, we're ready for take-off!" I shouted throughout the café. I gasped when he started walking. "Do not worry, loyal flyers of Vampire Airlines! We are just experiencing a little turbulence!" This cracked me up. Get it? 'Cause he was walking…and it was like turbulence…because…

"Let's get you home. I think you're awake enough."

"NO! I feel silly! Can I have another, Edward? Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?"

This caused him to laugh genuinely. "No dice."

I pouted. "Aw, Eddy! Come one! What could happen?"

His face took on an expression of mock thought. "Well, there is the off-chance that you could self-destruct, implode, or spontaneously combust. And let's not forget the possibility of flames shooting out of your butt and sending you flying towards the sky."

I blinked a few times before registering the fact that my Edward had just said the word 'butt'. "HAHAHAHAHAHA!" I couldn't help it. Tears were streaking down my face now, and I was having trouble breathing. This was so much fun…

He sat me in the passenger's seat of the Volvo and walked around to take the wheel. Making sure that the spaceship was in tip-top shape, I bounced up and down a couple of times, checking the softness of the cushions. I then opened the glove compartment, keeping my face at a safe distance. Who knew what sort of things could be planted in there! After you've been on an unidentified planet, there is the possibility of aliens putting a stink bomb in the secret safe of your ship.

Edward gazed at me dubiously as I studied the "camera" I found simply "sitting" there. He cocked his head when I threw it back and immediately shut the door to the evil portal.

"EDWARD THIS IS SERIOUS! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THAT OBJECT COULD HAVE DONE?"

He now looked frightened. "…Captured a Kodak moment?"

I heaved an exasperated sigh. "NO. Blown up the aircraft!"

He shook his head in dismay. "I'm taking you home."

"No, you can't take me there! The king will banish me for he will think I have been trading with other countries illegally and," I paused, leaning in closer and lowering my voice to a whisper, "purchasing special herbs." I winked.

"That is true…in the non-metaphorical sense, that is. We'll go back to my house. The ruler of our land would understand your recent dilemma."

I gaped at him. "You mean he knows about the invasion?"

He looked at me for a moment before answering. "Yes," he finally said.

"Fantastic! I would love to share my theories with him. Does he know anything about Planet…Fshmoogtchturr…?" I said. It came out like mush, so I sounded exceptionally sophisticated.

His expression shifted, and he now looked like he was out of ideas. "Er…yes."

"Yay! Offward! We're off to see the ruler! The wonderful ruler of…I'm sorry, what does he rule, anyway?"

"The house."

"Well, I think Oz is much catchier. Would you mind changing the name of your kingdom? It's for a terrific cause."

He didn't answer this time, but I didn't get mad at him because I saw a woman outside with rainbow hair.

"STOP THE VEE-HICKLE." (Vehicle pronounced fully, in case you were wondering).

He didn't do any such thing and I glared at him. "Dear sir, you will obey!"

He parked the car and locked the doors. "Child lock? Aw. That's lame!" I complained.

His hands came in contact with my face and he pulled it in towards his. My breathing stopped and my heart went into overdrive. He gently kissed my lips and his breath filled my head. He then proceeded to pull out of the parking space.

The ride back was silent from then on.

**1) Bella's sleep depravation is for reasons unknown.**

**2) I wrote this while waiting for my iPod to charge so I could listen to it before I went to sleep (though, I think I'll be falling asleep without it tonight...)**

**3) It's 2 A.M., so that may explain some.**

**4) This was loads of fun to write.**

**5) I am currently in the same state that Bella is in in the story, though I haven't drunk coffee, I'm tired and delusional.**

**6) REVIEW PLEASE!**

**7) We're off to see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of the House! (see? that sounds _awful_!) Therefore, I hereby deem the Cullen household Oz. Only not really because tomorrow morning I will end up shaking my head in dismay at myself for being such a...LICORICE STICKS! I hate licorice so much. It takes like...like...something heavily nasty. That's the best I've got. Other than poop, but I would be bluffing because I can't say I've ever...okay, I'm not going to finish that sentence.**

**I'm sorry I am a nuisance to the human race.**

**We're working on it.**

**IODIGITALCABLELAWLZ. **

**The report is in, and we're out.**

**Bye.**

**Also, please note that this is a _one-shot_. As much as I'd love to continue it with more useless rambling, I feel like the ending isn't open for a sequel. (:**


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